just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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