How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
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I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
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You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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