Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
