Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
