Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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