i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
it's like heaven, but drunker
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
