btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
