can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
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