i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
But break dance skills will only take you so far
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
