I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
We had to coat check the pizza.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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