i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
its liver damage thursday
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