I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
