Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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