I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize
