it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
