i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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