i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
