Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
