i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
