I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
