Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
