Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Randomize
