You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
