Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
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i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
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OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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