I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
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I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
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I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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