goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
