I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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