I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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