every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
