mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
