they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
