I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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