I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
