Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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