I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
