My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize