There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
