Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
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Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
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Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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