If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
