Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
