U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
