our cab driver is having phone sex.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
