Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
