i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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