New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
