I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
