I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
