I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
