I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
