I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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