He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
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We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
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"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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