You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
