I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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