i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
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It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
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When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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