i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
