Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
