Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
