my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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