you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
